Clown Movie Review – “Don’t Even Bother!” | #GeeksWithForks #Netflix

Here I am laying in the bed , sick! Right now, I’m on some “Netflix and Ebola” chill time. The vile sewage spewing from my body…let’s just stop right there. You didn’t come here for that. You came hear to read my review of the 2014 “horror”ible classic, CLOWN.

The premise and lore the movie brings is a great idea. The skin of a child-eating demon known as a “clogne” (pronounced clawn), is made into a clown suit…for reasons. Keep in mind the suit itself is indestructible. Don’t ask…the more you think about it the lower your IQ gets. The person who ends up putting on the clown costume will eventually begin to turn into the demon, over time.

This movie almost throws every horror trope at you…for horror-reasons. About every thing you would expect to happen in a horror movie does, except the only black character dying. Although, we came close. The kid was lucky because he looked mixed.

The character building is weak and are all so one-dimensional and boring. At times, I just wanted everyone to die. Just die a utterly horrible death.

The creature design was cool. Too bad it was wasted on this movie.

If the premise was that clowns are scary and that child-eating demon clowns are even scarier…then this movie missed the mark. They should have put this movie in a clown car, put the clown car in a clown cannon, put the clown cannon in box, sealed the box, put the box in the rocket, fire that rocket at the sun and just as soon as the rocket is about to touch the sun, blow the sun up with a nuclear rocket and then shove the supernova into a black hole and then shove that black hole into another black hole. Problem. Solved.

Just to give you an example of how stupid this movie is. The demon clown goes off to a Chuck E Cheese to find his next victims. It makes sense. Where else are you going to find a large group of kids, late, on a school night? Not to mention this Chuck E Cheese is the most pedophile friendly Chuck E Cheese I have ever seen. Not only are the lights dimmed to “hope no one sees the creepy guy in the corner staring at the kids” dark, but I believe there was were only two staff members shown in all the scenes. So we have a dark, understaffed, pedophile haven full of kids. None of the parents seem to mind though. Once the demon clown’s presence is revealed, ALL OF THE PARENTS run like hell leaving all the kids behind, while the left behind children run around aimlessly. Things get even worse once they all make it outside. If you came with your parent, you were cool. If you didn’t come with your parent, you were F*#KED! Pretty much the parent-less children were left to fend for them selves, right after a murderous clown, that I forgot to mention, no one really saw but one kid, were left to fend for themselves.

The only saving grace for this film was that it went off. Don’t watch it unless you’ve watched everything else on Netflix.

Jon

Gamer / Blogger / Alien / Old School / Social Media Shaman / Collector of Thoughts / Czar of Cynicism / Keeper Of Useless Information

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